Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Heading Out

Things are going great. Even though I’ve been told I will eventually be able to crawl, in the meantime, I have figured out other means of transportation.

Most of the time Mommy and Daddy (and assorted other giants) carry me from here to there. Unfortunately we are not always in agreement about the “here” or the “there.”

The ride is always comfortable and I can recline. Both rides can go from 0 to changing table in 2.3 seconds. Daddy is like a sports car—he can turn on a dime. And even pick up a dime. Mommy is more like the luxury sedan.

However, to give you a little bit of perspective, this mode of transportation is a lot like having a car with a self-aware GPS that overrides any destination you might have in mind. Imagine getting into your vehicle and the doors locking and it whisking you away in the opposite direction of where you want to go. Then when you get upset, it just laughs at you and tells you how cute you are.

Kind of frustrating.

Because of this, I have developed another less efficient form of transportation, but what it lacks in distance and speed, it makes up for in control.

Whenever I decide on a certain destination, I fling my head in that direction. You see, my head makes me as top-heavy as a Tootsie-Pop and by using its weight I can sort of topple myself toward anything that has possibly captured my interest.

You may scoff at this method, but when you’re walking, there’s not much difference. You are repeatedly falling and catching yourself. Granted, my way of getting around involves me doing all the falling and someone else doing all the catching, but hey—it works. It doesn’t always get me where I want to go, but at least it makes my intentions clear.

I have noticed that soccer players use a similar movement at key moments in the game. When the ball is right in front of the goal, the player will fling his head and everyone cheers. I don’t ask that you applaud me. Just respect me.

Maybe my way of doing things could be of use to you as well. Next time you are finishing up a conversation with someone say, “See you later” and then fling your head toward the exit. Your intentions will be clear and anyone in your path will quickly make way.

I can also picture people using my method while driving. When the light turns green, every driver should fling their head forward and then start driving. I don’t think it will help with traffic, but I do think it will look very hilarious.

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